Ceremonies

A Brief Overview of the Jewish Mourning Process 

The Jewish Mourning process is divided into 4 time periods: 
(click on any one for more detailed information)

·         Aninut—the period between a death and the funeral/memorial

·         Shiva—the first 7 days following the funeral/memorial

·         Shloshim—the first 30 days following the funeral/memorial

·         Yahrtzeit—the first year following a death 
(also used to refer to the anniversary of a person’s death)

Traditionally it is only the immediate family (defined in Judaism as parent, child, spouse, or sibling) who formally observe the Jewish mourning practices, and the year of mourning is only traditionally observed for the death of a parent.  However, large numbers of Jews choose to use the wisdom of the mourning process to guide their mourning activities even for less immediate relatives.

What is presented here is more focused on the “intention” of each period of mourning, rather than a detailed description of traditional practices.  My goal here is to provide you with a brief introduction to the overarching meaning of each period so that you may utilize the process as best fits your situation.  Ron Isaac’s Guide or MyJewishLearning.com (listed above) both provide excellent detailed descriptions of traditional practices.

(click here for recommended book & online resources)

Aninut:  Intense focus on the Deceased

For the mourner, the most important fact here is that this is the only time in Jewish life that there are no religious obligations on a person.  Judaism knows that this period is one of intense, rapidly-changing, raw emotion.  In a traditional Jewish society, the mourners are completely taken care of during this time.  In our day and age, the mourners are often the ones also making arrangements. 

Simply know that during the aninut period, the actual process of mourning has usually not begun.  Whether through being busy with arrangements or the shock of a loss, this period is one to simply be kind to yourself and let friends and family take care of you as much as possible.

Shiva:  Intense focus on one’s own Mourning

Again, the traditional Jewish customs give us insight into the intention.  During the shiva period, the mourner is not expected to leave the house.  Hence Jewish prayer services occur at the house (from which we get the term “shiva service” which colloquially now means a service of mourning). 

The mourner is given every opportunity to focus on their own grief.  So friends and relatives will bring meals, mirrors are covered so that vanity does not compromise the mourner’s focus, etc.  Whether you choose to remain at home for 7 days or not, taking at least some time each of these first 7 days following the funeral / memorial service is the best thing you can do to help yourself through the process of grief.

Shloshim:  Returning to the Basics of Life

After 7 days, the mourner is not expected to be “fine”, but is expected to begin the process of returning to the necessities of life.  As an example, the mourner traditionally would return to work, but would not attend a party during this time.

Again speaking of intention, the healthiest reminder is that this is not a time that you are expected to always be happy or to outwardly act joyful.  Even if you are the sort of person who always accepts every invitation, give yourself a chance during this period to not have to “put on a happy face”.  Most importantly, when your grief during this period demands your attention, respond to the request.  Those of us in the counseling professions know that grief always comes out one way or another, eventually.  Might as well do it consciously and at a time when friends and family are more likely to be understanding and forgiving.

Yahrtzeit:  A year of “first times”

Though traditionally reserved for the mourning of parents, the year of Yahrtzeit is invariably a year filled with thoughts “popping up” of the deceased at all sorts of times. 

Whether the thoughts and feelings come up as you pass a special place you used to share, when you get to a particularly meaningful day on the calendar, a particular season, or seemingly for no reason at all, know that the processes and feelings that came up so pressingly during the first days and weeks of mourning reoccur regularly throughout the first year and beyond.  They don’t go away, they just slow in their frequency and become less intense as we make our way through the mourning process.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of service to you in any way at any stage of the mourning process.

B’shalom,

Rabbi Yitzi

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or call me at (831) 594-YITZ(9489) 

Additional Resources:

A good resource for a thorough but easily-accessible 
description the Jewish Mourning process is 
Rabbi Ron Isaacs’ “Every Person’s Guide to Death and Dying in the Jewish Tradition”.

A good online resource is MyJewishLearning.com

Three excellent resources to help you through the mourning process are:

·         Grief in our Seasons—Kerry Olitzky:  A daily 1-year collection of quotes and journaling space for the mourner.  This is a good resource for someone already knowledgeable about Jewish mourning looking for something to help focus their attention throughout the 1-year process.

·         Mourning & Mitzvah—Anne Brener:  A substantial workbook, discussion, quotes, and exercises to facilitate mourning.  This is an excellent resource for someone looking for a little more guidance than Grief in our Seasons provides.

·         The Bond of Life—Jules Harlow (usually only available from the United Synagogue Book Service).  This is an excellent resource of readings and prayers for those in mourning published by the Conservative Movement’s Rabbinical Press.