Ceremonies

A Brief Overview of a Jewish Funeral 

 

If you are reading this at an “at-need” time in the process of planning a funeral, please accept my condolences.

There are a few key traditions that you may wish to consider when making arrangements with the mortuary and/or cemetery:

·          Although cremation is counter to Jewish law, many Rabbis (myself included) understand that it is a very personal decision, and will officiate a memorial service for someone who has been cremated.

·          To minimize pain to the mourners, a Jewish funeral is held as soon as possible after the death.  In our day-and-age, this basically means that it should be done as soon as all the key mourners can gather from wherever they may be.

·          The traditional Jewish burial is in a tallis (prayer shawl) or kittel (burial shroud), without embalming, and in the plainest possible casket made only from materials that biodegrade quickly.  These traditions remind us of the unity between rich and poor in death, and also most readily return the deceased’s body—the sacred vessel granted by God for this lifetime—to the earth.

·          The body is not traditionally “viewed” after death, so open-casket memorials are not traditional in Judaism.

·          At the time of death and mourning we want to draw our attention to the eternal, not to the ephemeral, so cut flowers are also not traditional in Judaism (though live plants are often used and/or donations to worthy charities in lieu of flowers).

·          The key portion of the Jewish funeral is done at graveside (though a chapel service may frequently precede it).

·          There are a number of traditions about the care and “guarding” of the body between death and funeral that you might choose to observe.

 

 

 

A Jewish funeral can be a challenging experience—Judaism does not “whitewash” anything about the realities of the situation.  The funeral has two very specific spiritual purposes: 

(1) To do honor to the deceased

(2) To clearly mark the transition for the mourners between their focus on the deceased and their focus on their own mourning 
(click here for an overview of the Jewish mourning process)

 

 

Surprisingly, there is no “official” standard Jewish funeral service.  Here is a brief overview of the major components of a basic Jewish funeral as I and many Rabbis conduct it. (click on any one for more detailed information). 

As with the overview I have provided of the mourning process, my goal is more to provide information about the intentions of various traditions than the details of the traditions themselves: 
(click here for recommended detailed resources on funerals and mourning).

 

·         Shmirah & Taharah—“guarding and washing of the body”

·         Kriyah—“rending of the garments”

·         Psalms & Readings—including Psalm 23

·        Eulogy and Tributes—doing honor to the deceased

·        El Maleh Rachamim—the memorial prayer 

·        Mourner’s Kaddish—the mourner’s prayer 

·        Filling the Grave—the ultimate mitzvah 

·        Meal of Consolation—comforting the mourners

·        Shiva Service and lighting the Shiva Candle—beginning the mourning process

  

(click here for recommended book & online resources)

 

 

Shmirah & Taharah:  Guarding & Washing the Body

 

One of the first questions you may be asked is if a “Chevrah Kadishah” (burial society) will be performing Shmirah or Taharah.  Shmirah consists of an attendant being present with the body at all times and reciting Psalms (the ancient belief was that with the soul no longer present to protect the body, it was the community’s responsibility to do so).  Taharah is a ritual washing of the body, usually also performed by a chevrah kadishah.

 

 

Kriyah:  Rending of the Garments

 

This is an ancient tradition today usually observed by tearing a ribbon which is then pinned to the garment and worn for 7 days as an outward symbol to people interacting with the mourners that they are in mourning.  Those who have never observed this tradition will be quite amazed how many people will recognize this symbol and how much comfort they can offer.

 

 

Psalms & Readings:  Setting the tone

 

The introductory portion of the service helps the mourners set aside everything going on around them and focus on the service itself.  General readings (usually including Ecclesiastes “a time to live and a time to die” and Psalms (usually including Psalm 23) are most appropriate here.  A particularly favorite reading from the deceased may be appropriate here, but is usually left until later in the service when the focus is more on the specific person rather than this portion of the service which is more focused on the general concept of death and dying.

 

 

Eulogy and Tributes:  Doing Honor to the Deceased

 

A eulogy is certainly a traditional part of a Jewish funeral service.  The person giving the eulogy is expected to be “honest but kind”.  Often a few family members or friends may also choose to speak.  If at all possible, I strongly recommend against “open sharing” during a funeral or memorial service which very frequently ends up highly uncomfortable and problematic as people start to feel like they “have to” say something and/or people who have not given sufficient thought to what they are going to say end up saying something inappropriate.  The shiva service at the mourner’s home is the traditional time for more impromptu sharing of memories, thoughts, and reflections.

 

I do also strongly recommend having an outside person deliver the eulogy (even if a couple of family members are also speaking).  The biggest reason for this is that the family telling the speaker about the deceased’s life in preparation for the eulogy is one of the most effective ways to healthfully begin the mourning process.

 

 

El Maleh Rachamim:  “God full of Mercy”

 

“The Memorial Prayer” as it is often referred to would usually mark the end of the chapel service if the service is being split between chapel and graveside.  Containing the key memorial phrases "May this soul be bound up in the eternal bond of life” and “may s/he rest in peace", this prayer is also often used as the casket is lowered into the ground during the graveside service.

 

 

Mourner’s Kaddish:  The Mourner’s Prayer

 

Immediate family will be asked to stand and recite the Mourner’s Kaddish (usually together with the officiant and usually provided both in Hebrew and Transliteration by the mortuary and/or cemetery).  Although the single prayer most closely associated with death and mourning, it is interesting that this prayer contains simply praise to God and does not contain one single mention of death (more detailed resources can give you the slightly lengthy historical reason for this).

 

 

Filling the Grave:  The Ultimate Mitzvah

 

Since it is the community’s responsibility to “return the body to the earth”, one of the most recognized pieces of a Jewish funeral is the placing of earth in the grave or on the casket.  This is considered “the ultimate mitzvah” because the deceased cannot possibly acknowledge it during the bereaved’s lifetime (hence it is inherently done from purity of heart). 

 

Though the sound of shovelfuls of earth landing on a casket is often one of the most haunting sounds people experience, it is also incredibly effective at helping mourners mark the transition between their focus on the deceased and their focus on their own mourning (click here for an overview of the Jewish mourning process).

 

A few important traditions to note if you are participating in this ritual:

(1)   Three shovelfuls of earth is most traditional unless you are going to participate in actually filling the entire grave (usually the cemetery will take care of that)—in fact many cemeteries today insist upon it.

(2)   Use the convex (opposite from what you would expect) side of the shovel so that we are not “hurrying the process”.

(3)   Do not hand the shovel to the next person “lest death be contagious”.  Rather simply place the shovel back in the mound of earth and let the next person pick it up themselves.

(4)    Those not participating in the ritual directly traditionally form two lines from the gravesite to the exit thereby allowing the community to create “a pathway of support” for the mourners to exit.

 

 

The Meal of Consolation:  Comforting the Mourners

 

It is actually the community’s responsibility to provide a meal of consolation for the mourners, so if you are part of “the community”, do your part to help ease the burden for those in mourning.  One interesting custom is that “round” foods are traditionally served (eggs, bagels, quiche, round fruits, etc) calling to mind the circle of life.

 

People also always wonder “what do I say” to comfort someone in mourning.  Drawing from the actions of Job’s friends in his book of the Bible, the Jewish answer is “nothing—just be present”.  One’s presence and support means much more to the mourner than anything we can say.  In fact, the actual Jewish tradition is that one does not speak to a mourner until the mourner speaks to you first.  Often a little counter to modern tradition, those supporting the mourners may wish to simply use the traditional blessing: "HaMakom y'nachem etkhem b'tokh sh'ar aveilei Tzion v'Yerushalayim"--"May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."

 

 

Shiva Service:  Beginning the Mourning Process

 

Depending on the time of day of the funeral, the first Shiva service at the mourner’s home may be at the same time as the meal of consolation, or later that day (most traditionally there are 3 per day for 7 days, though most non-Orthodox Jews these days will have a single evening service either each evening or periodically spaced throughout the week).

 

Other than including El Maleh Rachamim and often Psalm 23 there is nothing different about the prayers of the Shiva service than any other regular Jewish daily service.  However, time may often be left during the shiva service for people to offer reflections and thoughts. 

 

Also during the 1^st shiva service (sometimes also done during the meal of consolation or simply privately by the mourners upon returning home) the Shiva Candle is lit.  This candle which burns for 7 days is most often provided by the mortuary.  There are no official prayers for lighting the candle, though many either choose to recite the Shema (the central prayer of Jewish faith) or to utilize the Biblical phrases: “God’s word is a lamp and a light to our path” or “The soul of humanity is the light of God”.

 

If you are attending a Shiva Service, the most appropriate thing to bring is not actually food for the service, but rather a meal that the mourners can place in their refrigerator or freezer to use during the week so that they do not need to focus attention on shopping or preparing meals. 

 

  

 

Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of service to you in any way at through this difficult process.

 

B’shalom,

 

Rabbi Yitzi

  

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or call me at (831) 594-YITZ(9489) 

 

 

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